Holy shit, I thought that it would bring some minor improvements, but those benchmarks are insane

I can confirm that Hyprland also works from GDM

This might sound a bit heretical, but you could carefully pick and match a variety of software and configuration to your individual needs, turning your tiling wm into a fully functional desktop environment, or you could just install a tiling wm into an existing desktop environment and get something useful with like ten percent of the work.
I know that I have done the former multiple times, only to fall back to existing desktop environments again because it’s just a lot less work and often works better, since you don’t have to take care of getting things like screen sharing or media buttons to function.
Especially LXQt and Xfce make it very easy to run a tiling window manager, but you can also find extensions/plugins for KDE or Gnome to make them tile. I’m personally running Gnome with the Pop Shell extension right now

Also the Apple Pippin. And third-party Macintosh clones. And the Twentieth Century Macintosh. And the Apple III.
Especially before Steve Jobs took over Apple again they had what feels like more flops than successes.

“Dammit, for some reason I can’t kill all the children, a few of them always survive, I must have a leak somewhere”

Yeah, if the attacker is in a position to do a MitM attack you have much larger problems than a ssh vulnerability that so far can at most downgrade the encryption of your connection in nearly all cases

You could get an android tablet that can run LineageOS and install that on there without GApps/microg, so without any Google services. That way you can have a Google free tablet that’s also properly optimized for a touch workflow.
If you still want a tablet with a proper GNU/Linux distro you basically have two choices I know of right now: One is the Pinetab 2, it’s not too expensive, but the hardware is a bit limited, both in terms of processing power and display. Software support can also be spotty.
The other would be buying a x86 tablet and installing a regular Linux distro on there. I personally had some luck with the Microsoft Surface tablets, but you can get cheaper ones too. Just check on whether Linux will properly run on it beforehand, especially the cheaper Chinese ones based on Atoms often have driver issues or don’t even boot Linux at all (my biggest enemy on cheap devices: 32bit UEFI with 64bit OS. It’s nearly impossible to boot Linux on those). There’s also the Librem 11 but in my opinion it’s overpriced for the hardware